Men Bashing Jokes
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A.Both of them. And they are Gay!
Q. Why did the man cross the road? A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay? A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A. They won't stop to ask directions.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common? A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring andgood looking? A. They all already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
Q. When do you care for a man's company? A. When he owns it.
Q.What are a woman's four favorite animals? A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A. His hand caught fire.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What did God say after creating man? A. I must be able to do better than that.
Q. What did God say after creating Eve? A. "Practice makes perfect."
Q. How are men and parking spots alike? A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing
and saying, "I don't think so."
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. They lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!
I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Computers must be male!!
10. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you get them home.
7. It's always necessary to have a back-up.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of each is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. Sometimes all the lights are on, but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year. He's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept.
So he figures that he has absolutly no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde. Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy.
It starts to get late and the bartender yells out, "last call for alcohol." The blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm & arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, "Thats ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
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