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Top Ten Reasons Racing Is Better Than Sex
1. It is acceptable to race while others watch.
2. During a real hot lap, it is OK to call your car by the wrong name, it will still finish the race.
3. Cars with small engines often outperform big engines.
4. You do not have to sit through dinner and a show before a race.
5. Your race car won't leave you if you race another car.
6. You can drive hard right from the start.
7. You and your race car always finish at the same time.
8. You always know where to put your hands.
9. Your race car will never stop running just because you forgot the first day you raced it.
10. The crowd cheers when you finish first.
One day Billy Bob goes to town wearing nothing but his gun belt and boots.
The sheriff spots him and asks, "What the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
B.B. replies, "Well sheriff, it's a long story. Me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a-kissin' and a-cuddlin' and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, Mary Lou said we should go up on the hill. So we did. Up on the hill we started a-kissin' and a-cuddlin' and then, all of a sudden, Mary Lou up and took off all her clothes and said I should take off mine, too.
So I took off all my clothes, 'cept for my gun belt and my boots. Mary Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and then, for some strange reason she said, "Billy Bob, go to town!"
Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living - although for the amount I get, an apology would be nice."
"I told the guy at the autoparts store I wanted a windshield wiper for my Yugo He said, 'That sounds like a fair exchange.'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy."
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered it instead.
A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanics school. He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade. "I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly, 50 points for putting it back together correctly-and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler!!!"
The Rules of Combat
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
9a. Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
A helicopter was flying around above Washington State when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave
me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week, the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
The Priest's Racing Donkey
A priest wanted to raise money for his church and began looking around for a way to do so. Someone told him a fortune could be made in horse racing.
At the local auction, the prices of race horses were beyond his means, so he decided to buy a donkey instead. He figured that since he had the donkey, he would enter it in the races. He did, and to his surprise, his donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheet carried the headline,
"Priest's Ass Shows."
The priest was so pleased with his donkey showing, that he decided to enter it again the next day. To his utter amazement, his donkey won this time too.
The next day the racing sheet printed the headline,
"Priest's Ass Out in Front."
The priest's bishop was so upset by this publicity, that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the racing sheet had this headline, "Bishop Scratches Priest's Ass".
This was just too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to dispose of the donkey.
The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.
The next day the headline was, "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."
When he read this, the bishop fainted. When he came to, he ordered the nun to get rid of the donkey, as well.
She sold it to a farmer for $10.00, and the next day the headline read, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks."
They buried the bishop the next day.
Here are a few oxymorons you may like:
Microsoft Works (My Favorite)
This page last updated
Oct 12, 1998
Here are some links to other Joke/Humor pages. Enjoy them.
Men Bashing Jokes
Women Bashing Jokes